What Motherhood Cost Me

I'm seven months into motherhood, and it has cost me. 

My emotional stability has disappeared. I never know when I'm going to "lose it," but it has lost me respect and I regret that. 

My body is totally different. If ever I wondered if some of my identity came from how I looked, I now have a pretty clear idea- it did. It bothers me that I don't look the same. It's hard to look at pictures of myself, and I've scrolled back to the days when my body fit into those jeans and I looked healthy and young and...in my mind, more attractive. 

Going to social events is not the same. If you've ever tried to casually nurse, it's not a thing (at least it wasn't for me), and suddenly going places has to factor in a diaper bag, stroller, and car seat- live baby included in the travel package. From experience, the baby may scream all the way to the destination, poop on your jeans [audibly] [during a quieter moment], and forget an extra pair of clothes for themselves!! Oh wait, that was me. 

That's right...my memory! It's gone. If it's not written down, it's gone. Completely. Please remind me if you haven't heard back from me. I love you and want to get back to you! I probably just forgot. 

Some things aren't just forgotten. I think this could be labeled "my sanity has taken a vacation." At a doctor's appointment, I was instructed to undress and they would be back...but a few minutes later I was dressed in their cover, but with clothes underneath. It never entered my mind. 

My days of mission trips are long gone. They were such a huge part of my life; I miss being called and asked if I wanted to go to Africa and being able to pack and fly and see all the places and do missionary work. It breaks my heart I can't be available to hop onto a flight tomorrow to a different country. 

Pre-baby, my husband and I had a lot of flexibility. We didn't have to worry about how long the baby was in the carseat, how late we stayed out, or having a third wheel every date night. We didn't have to make sure someone was sleeping before we started a movie. We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, and now it's not the same. 

Money. Oh my gracious. Who knew formula was going to cost SO MUCH??? And diapers? You would think they were wearing fine golden ephods. 

So it turns out having a baby involves exposure of all kinds. Whether its birthing the baby or then having to figure out how to nurse while people are walking around or walking the hospital halls in a gown with a back that may have been opened...there are, apparently, so many ways to lose privacy. For a girl who tried to never show her stomach, it was a hard shift. 

Lest you think I'm complaining, I should also say a few more things motherhood took from me. 

It cost me my foolish reliance on myself and my stability. I need help, and that's a beautiful thing. 

It cost me dangerous pride about how I look and appear to others. What really matters is my heart, not my jean size. 

It cost me taking fellowship for granted. Instead, when I go out, it has actually been such a blessing to have a baby in tow. You make more friends with a squishy baby drooling all over themselves, and it's somehow less awkward to be around people when you have a lil babe to smile and make faces at. 

It's taken the remembrance of things I may not need to remember. (I probably don't remember what they were though). 

It's cost me my sanity, but given me a million reasons to laugh at myself. 

It's cost me the expensive flights overseas, and given me the opportunity to work from home doing mission work. Nearly everyday I am able to do mission work with my baby, and while it looks different, I know it is needed and valued. 

It's cost my husband and I wasted time. We now have much more important things to talk about and much more to laugh about and dream for. It has brought such closeness and communication and love for each other.

It has cost us money, but money very well spent- the baby is fed! Dry! And happy!

Motherhood took away my fear of giving birth. I now know it can be an incredible, life-altering, beautiful event, and I look forward to my next birth. 

Motherhood cost me a dangerous measure of selfishness. I now have to look out for someone else other than myself all day, and I'm finding such treasures of joy, new interests, and a million reasons to be thankful in this season.

The scary moments and sad moments and crazy, chaotic motherhood moments are NOT my baby's fault. But all of the blessings, and beautiful moments, and this overbearing joy that accompanies my job as a mother? I'll blame those on the baby all day long.